So I logged on to Twitter the other day and noticed an alert in my Notifications. Hooray for new followers, right?

Not exactly.

Apparently some character with the handle @SamBehnam has decided to follow me on the Twitters:

Did he even LOOK at my feed before thinking, “Yeah, I’ve got to follow this cat”? I am immediately suspicious of this @SamBehnam character. What possible motive does this Sam Behnam have for following me? I am baffled, which drives me to investigate further. I find the following:

My bio: Digs soccer, cheeseburgers, Pearl Jam, advertising, gin + Ferris Bueller. Hates the Packers, Drew Barrymore, in-game interviews, auto-play videos + assholes.

His bio: Software Engineer, Ph.D. Interested in science, technology, entrepreneurship & being curious and creative. Working@IBM opinions=mine, no DM, #TeamFollowBack. ca.linkedin.com/in/sbehnam

My header photo: An image from the Art Museum scene in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”.

His header photo: An image of some far off galaxy, no doubt something the academics have defined as the “Portal to the Heavens” or some star cluster no one on Earth has ever witnessed.

My profile pic: Wearing a baseball cap, taken after a U11 girls soccer game at St. Louis Soccer Park…and most likely after something like 3-5 beers.

His profile pic: A bad-angle selfie, apparently taken from someone lying on the floor, of Sam looking off into the distance (most likely at the “Portal to the Heavens”) . Possibly taken in a shitty LaQuinta Inn Conference Room…in Hoboken.

My Twitter stats: 1,168 tweets – following 445 – 310 followers – 51 favorites – 1 list (and I don’t even know what a Twitter list is)

His Twitter stats: 1,873 tweets – following 22,300 – 21,500 followers – 394 favorites – 2 lists (and I’m assuming he doesn’t know what a Twitter list is either)

Sidebar: Seriously, Sam? You are ACTUALLY FOLLOWING 22,300 people on Twitter? Sorry, brother…but I call bullshit. It is a task of considerable effort to follow 445 people, much less the 22,300 you are claiming.

My last 4 tweet topics: Disproving the use of “Serenity Now” as an adequate calming mantra (true story); something about voting and if you don’t vote, you don’t get to bitch about who gets elected (apparently I was feeling all patriotic and shit); props to my beloved Quincy University Men’s + Women’s soccer teams; and bitching about some company named Kaufmann Mercantile from Brooklyn (of course they’re from Brooklyn) that sells a $349 cocktail shaker.

His last 4 tweet topics: How a web browser works; a quote about dreams coming true by someone named Paulo Coelho; an image of Carl Sagan’s reading list; and this picture: