As someone who attends more internal meetings per week than should be allowed by law, I find it imperative to keep copious notes…especially when 12 times out of 10, everyone in the room spends more time dicking around on their iPhone than paying attention and actually contributing. Hence, we end up having to schedule ANOTHER fucking meeting three days later to review what was SUPPOSED to be resolved and completed in the previous meeting. This generally makes me stabby.

However, since taking notes with pen and paper has gone the way of the DoDo, I have recently taken a blood oath to use Evernote until the day I stroke out at my desk…most likely due to one of the aforementioned dolts showing up for a 4th meeting on the same topic and STILL not having anything remotely interesting to tell me.

Not only can I type approximately 7,943 words per minute faster with Evernote, it has a “tag” feature to help you search for notes related to a specific topic. You know, like “digital bundle pricing options” or “agency summit” or “if this client doesn’t sign this SOW in the next 7 minutes I’m going to light his fucking dog on fire.” I’m fairly confident the tag feature was established with proper business rules of engagement in mind, but as the self-proclaimed King of Pointless and Inane Hashtags, I’ve decided to keep my Evernote tags – at least some of them – brutally honest, thereby making them the complete opposite of “proper business rules of engagement”.

That said, below is the list of my favorite note tags…all of which, swear to Jeebus, are actually tagged on meeting and/or conference call notes. And before you get all, “Wow, JD…some of the language doesn’t seem very professional,” I’ll have you know that you’d be a little salty too if you dealt with some of the same people I do on a day in/day out basis. True story.

• $10 says she takes a phone call during the meeting
• 14 people is entirely too fucking many for an internal meeting
• 80’s movie references are the only thing keeping my interest in this call
• Bag of dicks
• BQ is makin’ shit happen
• Brook is hungover
• Bullshit
• Circle jerk
• Did he REALLY just say “image rehabilitation tour”?
• Difficult to work with
• Does Chuck realize how shitty this product actually is?
• For the love of GOD please tell me they’re fucking joking
• Fuck this noise
• Fucking overpriced
• Fuckery
• Get. Shit. Done.
• Ham-fisted + heavy-handed
• I do this because I rock
• If someone doesn’t light me on fire soon I’m just going to do it myself
• Inappropriate use of resources and peoples time
• Kicking ass and taking names
• Kill me.
• My kingdom for a signed SOW
• Pain in the balls
• Pretty sure this is the opposite of the best strategy
• QBR (I still have no idea what “QBR” stands for)
• Ruckus
• Self-serving fuckery
• Shitty performance
• Someone please, for the love of all that is good and holy, shoot me in the face
• Smart ass
• Stupid shit
• The most painful fucking SOW ever created
• This is a pain in the ass
• This is totally the wrong approach
• This not fucking around thing is about to go both ways
• This template/vendor/project/call/presentation sucks balls and not in the good way
• Tiebreaker Extravaganza!
• Wasting my talents