It’s the truth. I defy you to find a sequel – book, TV show, movie, anything – where the second version (or third, or – God forbid – fourth and beyond) holds up to the original. Perhaps that’s a tad harsh, seeing as I’m of the opinion Pearl Jam’s “Vs”, their sophomore effort, is not only one of my Top 3 Albums of All Time but was head and shoulders above their debut “Ten”. Yes. I’m aware that’s blasphemy among The PJ Faithfull but quite honestly, I give zero fucks and stand by my statement in the title of this post.

While I’ve felt this way about movie sequels for quite some time, I was reminded of this disdain during a recent conversation with The J Team (aka: my HS homies Jeanne + Jennifer) about the recently announced and highly anticipated new Harper Lee novel Go Set A Watchman. Apparently it was written prior to the timeless and classic To Kill A Mockingbird and has sat on a shelf for the past 60+ years. The more I read about Go Set A Watchman the more nervous I get because I don’t know what to expect. To Kill A Mockingbird is my absolute favorite read of all time – I’m guessing I’ve read it no less than a dozen times – and I hold it in such high regard I’m worried I’ll be let down by the follow up. By no means is that a knock on Harper Lee, it’s just that I’ve set the bar sooooooooo high in my own mind that I’m really going to have to focus on not comparing the two and letting Go Set A Watchman be it’s own thing, it’s own story. Perhaps part of that is due to a recent re-read of TKAM with my 15-year-old as she read it for her freshman English class…she’s the same age I was when I first read it in Ms. DeWerff’s freshman English class (when I wasn’t busy ogling my 24-year-old English teacher who also happened to be a former Chicago Bears Honeybear cheerleader).

So my daughter was struggling with it after a few chapters and asked me to read her 2-3 chapters a night to help her comprehend the story and retention of key points to improve her quiz scores. I couldn’t say yes fast enough. It was awesome. Not only was I getting to re-read my favorite, but I was able to help her get it and lead her with additional thoughts/ideas she hadn’t picked up on. I loved connecting her with the story, quizzing her after each chapter to make sure she was getting it and it totally worked. Next thing you know she was acing quizzes. Not gonna lie…total proud dad moment.

But back to the topic at hand. It’s…still…a…sequel. I know this is an incredibly stupid correlation seeing as comparing the two of these things is quite possibly blasphemous, but I feel the same way about Go Set A Watchman as I felt about all the hoopla a few years ago about a sequel to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Now before you decide to set me on fire for comparing a literary masterpiece that explores race, class and the loss of innocence through the eyes of a 6-year-old with an 80’s teen classic centered around a well off North Shore suburban Chicago teen and his anxiety ridden sidekick – I fully admit that comparing To Kill A Mockingbird and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is ludicrous. But I get physically angry when I read about the idea of an FBDO sequel, when bloggers and dolts and troglodytes are all “there totes needs to be a Ferris sequel”. The people who say these things are the people I want to hit in the mouth with my 7-iron nine times. Nine times? Nine. Times.

No, fuckos – there should NOT be a sequel to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Not now. Not later. Not ever. And by ever I mean like never fucking ever, ever. Times infinity. In fact, John Hughes is rolling in his grave as we speak at the mere THOUGHT of this nonsense. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off should live on as is – with a pre-Xanax Cameron Frye melting down in a Chicago parking garage; with a 1985 Pontiac Fiero driving/wrestling shoe wearing Jeanie/Shawna Bueller telling an intruder she’s got her father’s gun and a scorching case of the herp; with Simone Adamley babbling in all her “My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious” glory; and with King Ferris himself, the righteous dude held in the highest regard by sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads alike.

So while the rumored FBDO “sequel” never saw the light of day, what did see the light of day was an abomination of epic proportions. Who remembers the Honda Super Bowl commercial a few years ago with Matthew Broderick reprising his role as Ferris? OMG. It was a hot garbage fire. Hot. Fucking. Garbage. I was pissed just hearing this was going to happen and then I saw it…and how I’m not in jail as a result is beyond me. I refuse to link to the fuckery here, but if you don’t remember it, it went a little something like this: Matthew Broderick reprises his role as Ferris, who has grown up and wants to skip a day of work so they recreate the whole call-in-sick scene to Ferris’ boss. Of course, the boss doesn’t buy it but Ferris ditches work anyway to go crazy in a Honda Pilot.

No, you’re not having a stroke. You read that correctly.

A.

Honda.

Pilot.

I saw this and immediately wanted to set fire to the Honda dealership by my house…or at the very least, the building of the ad agency that created this hot garbage fire of a commercial.

(Sidebar: for legal purposes, let the record show neither Dave Mungenast St. Louis Honda nor Rubin Postaer & Associates were harmed during the writing of this post.)

Seriously, Honda?

WHO THE FUCK BELIEVES FERRIS BUELLER WOULD EVER DRIVE A HONDA FUCKING PILOT??? I would rather have carnal relations with a beehive – a flaming beehive filled with broken glass, mind you – than believe Ferris Bueller would ever resign himself to driving a Honda Fucking Pilot.

Seriously. Like Ferris would ever settle for that shit after getting a taste of the 1961 Ferrari 250GT California. There is no way in HELL Sloane Peterson would continue to bang Ferris if he downgraded from Mr. Frye’s Ferrari to a boxy piece of shit like the Honda Pilot. And if she does, her next step in life is to start giving Principal Rooney hand jobs in his fucking K-Car because that’s where she’s headed.

The day a hero like Ferris Bueller settles for a half-assed, mid-level soccer mom SUV with a respectable city/highway MPG  is the day it’s time for a mercy killing. I can guaranfuckingtee you with three-hundred-and-forty-twelve percent certainty that if Cameron Frye saw Ferris at the grocery store getting into one of those things, he’d silently sneak up behind him and snap his neck Chong Li style and put him out of his misery. On. The. Spot.

And you know what? There’s not a judge on this continent that would convict him because he’d be represented by a stellar defense lawyer from Maycomb, AL that goes by the name of Jean Louise Finch.